How not to Write a Book in Five Easy Steps

A lull in your career? Sat at home? Time hanging heavy on your mind? Perhaps it is the moment to find an outlet for your long-suppressed creativity and write a book. After all, there is always space in the world for another book, and now that the internet has placed the power of publication into the hands of us all, all you need do is sit down at your laptop, bash out 90,000 words, and fling them upon a grateful readership. ‘Self-publish a novel’ is now sure to feature on any self-respecting make money from home blog — so get on and do it.

Writing and marketing 90,000 coherent and commercially viable words, however, is no easy task, and I would not dream of trying to tell you how it should be done. That is something each would-be author has to work out for themselves and there are far more experienced hands out there to guide you, but, from my own experiences in that direction, I do feel able to guide you as to how not to do it. This is a much easier path to see, and — who knows — perhaps usefully pointed out. Everyone has a book in them, after all, and sometimes — as has been pointed out before — it is best that it does not come out.

1. Make a mental note of your objective

Just a general idea of the sort of book you want to write, the story you wish to tell and the sort of people you think might be interested in reading it. Nothing too specific, and don’t spend too much time attempting to define genre, tone, plot or audience. Then get on and write. You will find that all sorts of wonderful new ideas come to you as you go and with no real core focus restraining you, you will be bound to follow your fancy, and the result, on the page, will be a long ramble through thoughts and ideas you find interesting and worth putting down. It’ll be a book you can’t pick up.

2. Jot down your plan on a spare bit of paper

Once you have your general objective worked out, it is worth, as everyone knows, working out a plan. Again, do not go into too much detail or complexity, or you will end up instilling too much discipline and structure into your work and don’t even think about working out timelines, settings or character arcs for these will come amid the outpouring of your creativity. When you are finished, read over your work and see how consequences happen before causes, how your characters change their names, and your locations alter dramatically in shape.

3. Take a long break and then come back to it

Self-explanatory really. Life is busy, the next work contract is important and your book — well that is but a time-filler. Simply save your document and come back to it when you next have a moment, months or maybe years later. Of course, by that time your train of thought may well have faded, and your notes — such as they are — may mean far less to you than they did before but no matter, you’ll pick it up again… eventually.

4. Guard the text zealously from co-authors and editors.

Writing is an intensely personal thing, an expression of your individuality, taste and style. To let others tamper with it is like letting them tell you what colour shirt to put on in the morning. It will ruin your look. Guard it zealously from the meddlesome hands of editors, and the text will remain true and honest to you and your original intentions. It will also remain far less comprehensible and interesting to the outside world.

5. Proofread repeatedly and endlessly

Goes without saying really. No one wants to publish a book full of typos so read it through carefully and correct them and so begin an endless journey in the search for absolute textual perfection. Then get a friend to read it, and correct, and then check what they have done and then kick yourself when you find some more. In the matter of errata, you see, to seek is to find and to find is to suffer.

Disclaimer.

This method for not writing books, though effective, is not entirely foolproof for I followed my advice to the letter, and somehow, I still managed to bring the thing to completion. If you manage to do the same, then award yourself handsomely for your patience and perseverance, regardless of the literary merits of your creation.

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