I Feel Light

No, I’m not about to die. In fact, I might be about to live.

It was last night when I realized something really bizarre about myself.

I was going to bed after a long day of working on many things. My eyes were closed, and I was ready for yet another uncomfortable night of below-average rest.

And that’s when I noticed I was feeling something.

It was a strong feeling I only last remembered experiencing over 14 years ago.

That feeling of hope and connectedness with the rest of the world. A feeling without doubt or fear.

A feeling without stress or worries for the future. Reminiscent of that childlike wonder I used to have.

It reminded me of times of comfort and warmth, back when I had everything to look forward to.

Before what had turned out to be a near decade-long period of decline in the quality of my life.

A lot has happened in the two weeks since I started writing on Medium.

After months, even years of not having the energy to even get out of bed, I decided to just do it.

It didn’t matter how I felt. I had to just get out.

And so, begrudgingly, I literally flung myself out of the covers and into the waking world.

Once I was awake, I decided to keep working on resolving the issues in my volunteer software engineer position.

I got into it, building the feature piece by piece, and before I even knew it, almost 13 hours had gone by.

The thought of working eight hours was terrifying for me. Oftentimes, I was faltering by the 2–3 hour mark.

How was I supposed to handle nearly triple that amount?

Yet after doing it, it didn’t feel as crazy as I thought.

The next day came, and this time, it was a little bit easier to get out of bed.

I went back to my work again. And I made it through another eight hours. I was finally getting things done.

This was also around the time I had started writing here on Medium. And so I also spent another 3–4 hours after that blasting out an article. I had done another thing.

The hot streak continued. While hitting 12 hours a day every day wasn’t sustainable, not a single day in these past weeks has passed where I could say I had done “nothing”.

And so maybe a part of this feeling was the feeling of fulfillment.

Finally, I had done enough to confidently say to myself…

Not only that, but it feels that discovering and starting this platform was definitely beneficial as well.

The acknowledgment I’ve received through either replies or other forms of engagement has definitely impacted me positively.

Up until very recently, I have had difficulties in giving trust. I feared the worst in every situation. And even with the good, I couldn’t believe it for a second.

If I were to be complimented, I had every reason not to believe the sincerity of it.

But there’s just been something different about being here on Medium, as opposed to anywhere else I’ve been online.

Being able to read all these personal experiences from others. Seeing people be vulnerable, and speaking from the heart about their highest points, as well as their lowest…

And because of that human connection, I feel like I’m beginning to trust again.

There is something about this place that feels very sincere. It makes me feel like I can let the walls down, and rid myself of that doubt.

For once, I could just say…

I’ve been feeling this lightness for the past few nights. I can’t say for sure if it will last. I can’t say how long it’ll take to regain that faith I once had.

But for now, I’ll take it as a sign that things are going in the right direction.

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