Open Letter to the Duke of Cambridge

Dude. Duuuuuude. What the fuck, man.

Hey, let’s be honest, all of us (me included) have made those jokes about this being “much ado about a flu” these past few weeks but now Italy’s locked down, and France, and Spain, and 21 people have already DIED in the UK — in your country (ie not that you own it or anything but your grandma technically does, no? And you’re a citizen of it, presumably?)

It’s a stunningly tone-deaf and irresponsible to say, in public, “Don’t you think the doctors are maybe exaggerating this a bit” — that’s dangerously close to conspiracy theory shit. Why on earth would a bunch of doctors exaggerate a medical crisis?

You’re obviously safe from all this — not from the virus, but from the fallout of the virus. You have a fully-stocked “country home” to escape to, from the city, unlike the thousands of grocery store workers, food delivery people, hospital staff, Uber drivers, etc, who will starve if they go away from the epicenter of populations where they work and earn and live. If you catch the virus and/or have to self-quarantine, you’ll be safe and well, and will always have plenty of loo roll and pasta — and fresh fruit and vegetables and milk and meat and baby food — at your home without ever having to queue in Waitrose or Tesco at 7 am. You and your immediate family (your wife and kids) do not have — as far as we all know — compromised immune systems, and to be gross and honest, if and when the older people in your family pass away (from the Coronavirus or otherwise), you’re getting a promotion. Your grandparents have their own castles, unlike those families wondering how to put grandma “in a separate room” when there are six people (three generations) living in a two-bedroom flat. And let’s be honest: if you do, god forbid, catch the virus and need medical care, you’re going to be right at the front of the queue for any and every medical service needed — tests, ventilators, or whatever else. You’re never going to have to wait in fear and pain or be triaged out, like those 66-year old people in Italy or Spain who are being told to stay home to die because the ICUs can’t accommodate them anymore.

I was never Republican or anti-monarchy until recently — I never cared enough either way. But then we saw how Meghan Markle was treated by you and your family, how rumors of your affair were covered up by your shit friends in the shit tabloids and British media until they bubbled and bubbled over in the US media. Again, that’s good for gossip but not necessarily a call for revolution.

Until news broke of your uncle Andrew’s habit of raping children and his jaw-dropping interview. That non-apology aside, the idea that he wanted to be friends with a pedophile because he was “well-connected” and because he had dinners where “prominent people” would attend — “professors, politicians” — and so it was worthwhile for the SON OF THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND to be obligated to and friends with a PEDOPHILE — is still something that stops me in my tracks. DUDE, YOU HAVE A CASTLE AND CAN GET UNLIMITED, FREE, FOOD FOR LIFE! YOU CAN INVITE A PROFESSOR FOR DINNER ALL BY YOURSELF, YOU SOCIAL-CLIMBING DESPERATE, NEEDY, FUCKWITTED RAPIST!!

And now Wills — may I call you Wills? ‘Coz we’re the same age, dude, not quite forty, and I feel ya — we’re all sort of confused about how we’re millennials or Gen X or whatever but also, we feel older than any non-boomers are supposed to feel.

You can pick up the phone (or have someone on your staff do the phone thing, and then bring you over to talk, that’s okay too) and call and speak to LITERALLY anyone on the planet, any time. You have access if you want to the best doctors and researchers and pathogen transmission specialists or whoever in the world, who can all explain to you EXACTLY how dangerous or not this virus is, and exactly what precautions are scientifically tested, commonly accepted and understood and agreed-upon. You do NOT have to wonder and presume and surmise and guess and gossip about how they’re all engaged in a global conspiracy to keep people home.

Do better, dude. Become the man that deserves to be married to Kate Middleton, because she’s clearly the smart one in the family and marrying her was the best decision you’ve made.

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