Six Weird Questions to Build Connection Right Away

Learn to love strangers, even if you’re an introvert who hates people.

I hate people I don’t know. I hate networking events. I hate parties with new people.

New people scare me. Meeting new people means making small talk, and I panic when I have to make small talk. I think small talk deserves the terrible reputation it’s gotten over the past few years.

Because I don’t care. I don’t care what kind of work you do. I don’t care how you know the birthday girl. I don’t care about your opinion on the weather.

Which is not to say I don’t care about you. I know for a fact that there’s something I can learn from you, and probably vice versa. We just have to find out what it is.

And ‘Cold outside, isn’t it?’ sure as hell isn’t going to get us there.
So what is?

Here are some questions that we can ask each other when we meet. Six things I genuinely want to know about you.

This question is a good ice-breaker, and it will tell me something about the way you think. Camels can’t fly or breathe under water, so why would you want to be one?

I’ve had a bunch of answers to this one, ranging from ‘Camels are great at smuggling drugs’ to ‘LOL camel toes.’

In every instance, the answers told me something about the person I was with.

Personally I’d like to be a camel because they always seem supremely unimpressed with everything and I’d love to know what that feels like.

What about you?

A firefighter? A football player? An actor?

How did you get from there to where you are now? Are you happy about that? Does that childhood dream feature in your current job in any way? Are you putting out fires figuratively in your daily life? Do you feel like an actor when you’re making a sale?

I wanted to be a butterfly. Haven’t succeeded yet, but in my profession as a classical singer, I sure get to wear extravagant dresses and costumes from time to time, so I suppose it’s a good second.

No toddler dreams of working in sales when they grow up, so this makes for interesting conversation. (Actually, there was a boy at my pre-school who wanted to be a roofer. Bart, if you’re reading this: I hope you followed your dream.)

Knowing what someone considers to be a compliment is fascinating. Some people will be extremely pleased with compliments about their looks or their work. Others will mention stuff their friends have told them: that they’re dependable, loyal, kind or funny.

One of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me, was that I was the perfect combination of fearless and vulnerable. I wonder what that says about me.

When I ask you this question, I’ll also want to know who paid you that particular compliment and why it meant so much to you.

Another quick and easy way to have an in-depth conversation about your childhood aspirations, this question leads to the most interesting (and adorable) answers.

I talked to someone the other day who admitted to having a crush on his teacher who wore bright lipstick. He used to tell her: ‘I’m going to buy a motorcycle and take you along for a ride.’ He was four years old at the time.

We all know the classics: favourite animal, favourite food, favourite colour. Those things don’t really mean anything. But asking for your favourite texture gives you the opportunity to steer the conversation in a certain direction, and I’m wondering which direction that is.

Maybe you’re a teacher and your favourite texture is chalk.
Maybe you’re fond of climbing and your favourite texture is rock.
Maybe you’re into ASMR and your favourite texture is brushes.

I went on a date once with a guy who said his favourite texture was skin.
Whew.

Yes, this one is a little scary, and it almost always catches people off-guard. That’s partly why it works. It’s an invitation to be vulnerable, but in order to make me feel comfortable with being vulnerable, you need to go first. So when asking this, make sure you’re ready to go first.

The “value” of your secret (how personal/painful/shocking it is) will in part determine how open the other person is going to be with you. If your secret is a humble-brag, theirs is likely to be, to. Which is fine, but the painful stuff is usually far more interesting.

By the way, if you’re wondering how to ask me these questions when we finally meet, here’s a tip: just tell me you have a question for me, and then come right out with it. You can make it sound like you’re coming up with the question on the spot, if that makes it feel less scary.

It might seem daunting at first, but I promise it will make me feel like you want to get to know me.
It will make me feel special.
I’ll reciprocate, and then if all goes well, we’ll both have made at least one new friend at that horrid social event.

About the author
Here so you can learn from my mistakes: a socially anxious singer/mermaid, recovering dancer, suspected ADHD-sufferer, great with language, utterly disastrous with faces.

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